Dear Self,
You’ve been struggling hard lately.
Struggling with this loneliness that burns deeper than just being single. It’s not just a simple desire for a boyfriend, (which would make sense because LITERALLY everyone is getting hitched). It’s not needing someone to chat with or wanting your beauty reaffirmed, it’s just this aching.
You scroll through engagement photos, wedding pictures and couple pics captioned, “Seven months with this handsome man” or “I couldn’t ask for a better woman.” and your heart just kind of snaps.
And you tried to write a blog post about how it’s okay to be single.
And you know it’s going to be okay, but some days it’s just hard to feel okay. That’s all you really want, to just feel alright.
And it’s okay to long for man, for a husband. Longing is not bad. But I know you wonder if you’re maybe starting to lose it because you find yourself noticing men everywhere. You are struck by the flannel and forearms and muscly hands and you wonder what it would be like to have someone hold your hand. What would it be like to have someone smile at you and look at you all struck, the way you look at Christmas trees and sunrises and raindrops on windshields.
Then you catch yourself thinking,
“WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME???”
And you’ve been beating yourself up and feeling like crap and throwing pity parties every night for not being enough. Feeling sorry for yourself that you’re that crazy single girl who hasn’t been chosen yet. Has never been chosen. Never been kissed, asked out, or even pursued at all. No one’s ever even had a crush on you.
Which honestly, is probably good for you because you know that you’re crazy and too passionate for your own good and you’re almost guaranteed to fall in love with the first guy that smiles at you.
But seriously
Girl, what makes you think a boyfriend is going to fix you? And who says you need a man before you can get your crap together and enjoy life? There are plenty of women who didn’t get married until their thirties and is this really how you want to potentially spend the next eight years? (OR MORE…..)
You don’t even know what you’re future relationship might require of you. So don’t waste your time whining and living weakly.
Now is the time to live strong.
Stop grumbling and give thanks because you, girl, have been given grace.
And I know the hardest thing for you is that you don’t feel beautiful.
As if that’s the reason you don’t have a boyfriend, because you’re carrying some extra weight.
If that’s the only reason those guys haven’t asked you out yet then first off, you don’t want a guy like that hanging out with you anyway.
Because yeah, we all want someone who is physically attractive and guys do too. But girl, you’re body is going to stretch and go through about a thousand changes before the end of your life and you want a guy who is going to make you feel beautiful through all of them.
And different sized women fit into different men’s hearts and every guy out there has a different taste.
And girl, you’re being ridiculous because you are beautiful.
Yeah you.
With your baseball caps and chapstick. You’re truck and your love for the mountains and rolling the windows down even when it’s 60 degrees because you LOVE fresh air. You, with your country music and dancing while doing dishes, your silly voices and the voice you have when you’re praying. The way you love and listen to people, and trust God with every season. You’re guitar playing and constant singing and you waking up at 2:00 a.m. to write down words that burn inside your heart. You girl, are beautiful.
And you are enough. You are enough for a man. You’re body is more than enough. You are always so worried about your body. Like that’s the thing that will never truly be up to par for him. Because they keep telling us that’s so important to guys. But the thing is girl, that the right guy will be in love with all of you, even your body.
He’ll adore the swing in your hips, the flash of your smile, your crazy curly hair, the rise of your chest and the fat in your middle, your thighs and quirky feet and your freckles and tiny fingers, why?
Because it’s you.
And he’ll be head over heels crazy about you.
All of you.
And he’ll love your for your body second. Because the first thing he’ll see when he looks at you is a woman who always greets him with a kiss. Who misses him the moment he leaves for work. A woman who is faithful and funny and forgives him when he can’t forgive himself. Who believes in him and cheers for him and who prays and loves him everyday with lights on and eyes full open to the glorious mess that he is. But who keeps choosing to love him with everything she can because she is head over heels crazy about him too.
And it’s okay to long for that.
To wait.
But it’s time to tuck that away and let it burn brightly in the background and not flame out in the front lines. Because that is someday, not today.
Stop wallowing.
Start worshiping.
Because what you have is today, yourself, friends and family and a God that loves you and this singleness it hurts right now yeah, but be present in the pain. Because believe it or not this is a season you will miss. And you keep looking after others and their love stories unfolding in a flash of fireworks and confetti and you wonder about your own. You look at yourself in the rear view mirror wondering what went wrong.
I think you know that THAT is not your story. You’ve always known you’re love story would not be one of love at first sight, starlight, and dancing laughter. Some stories take a little more time to unfold. Some stories have a few more plot twists. Sometimes love isn’t something that smacks you in the face. I think you know you’re the kind of girl that love has to find by sneaking up softly.
You’re time will come.
So take a chill pill and remember that you’re sexy and awesome and that God’s got plans for you, girl. Even if you can’t see ANY of them yet.
Love ya,
~Britt
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