Tonight I’m reminding myself that’s it’s okay.

It’s okay to feel small and like you have nothing to say. Tonight I am just overwhelmed by everything I am not and everything I can’t do and I am staring at the reality of my limitations as a human.

I am butter and I can only cover so much of the bread before you’ll start to see through me. And I’m feeling see-through. And how do you feel okay with the parts you can’t cover? How do you know the line between doing enough and needing to push yourself? When it feels like so much is broken how do you know where to start? And how are you supposed to be okay with only being able to fix your tiniest part?

This isn’t really Christmas related per se but I can’t help think of the baby that came down to a world just as broken as this. The baby who grew up and taught and healed and loved people and who ultimately died for them all. Even Jesus didn’t heal everyone while he was here, why do I feel like I can? Why do I beat myself when I am reminded I can’t?

I am not sure what my problem is but I am sure from experience this ache to fix everything has a lot more to do with doubting my worth then with loving people. That sounds bad to say but I have felt love, the kind that burns inside and can’t sit down or sit still but there is yet a steady peace about it.

Its not like this wild animal, desperate clawing in your chest feeling like I have tonight. No, my burning heart tonight is a complicated mix but that’s okay.

And really I felt I had nothing to say today. I’ve been feeling a lot of things this past week and I just want you to know if you’re feeling hard things too, that it’s okay. We can sit together and feel small in it all. We are going to be okay.

I saw an encouraging truth: that when it comes to any Holiday it’s rarely the gifts people remember most. What we remember are the smells, the food, the people and the traditions. It’s encouraging to me because I am not great at buying gifts. I get so stressed and caught up in trying to find the “perfect” gift for everyone.

This year I am going to focus on creating Christmas memories using my five senses:

Taste
Baking and enjoying the food and desserts that only come around during this Holiday.

Smell
Often tied in with food but Christmas comes with so many smells. I love the smell of pine and those cinnamon pine cones. I pack the cinnamon pine cones in with all my Christmas decorations so just the act of unpacking them smells like Christmas.

Touch
Flannel sheets, soft pajamas, wrapping paper, prickly trees, making snowmen. These all remind me of Christmas and I’m thinking about what other items I can incorporate into touch.

Sight
This one is easy for me because Christmas lights are my favorite thing year round. I love all the rainbow lights and bright colors and the tree and the nativity set and the dried fruit and pinecones. The colorful wrapping paper and Santa’s bright red suite. Christmas definitely goes big on the visual.

Hear
A lot of people hate Christmas music but I will always love it. I am so thankful that I grew up with a Dad who loved music and who had Christmas albums blasting every day all month. Alvin and the Chipmunks, the Califirnia Raisins, NYSYNCS Christmas, and so many more. He would sing and dance and pull us into it with him. My grandma also would always have Christmas music playing and everyone would sing along or laugh at the silly ones. I think this is why I love the music, because it’s happy memories for me. I think most people I know who hate Christmas music didn’t experience it until working a retail job they hated where the same songs were played continuously on repeat.

The people of course are the most important element of Christmas for me. All the inside jokes and laughter and games and time spent just being with eachother.

I know this year looks different but I hope you’re able to make great memories with people you love (whether that’s family or not) and moving forward I am going to be thinking about how I can tie more memories to one of these five senses.

Maybe it’s just me but I often suffer from feeling like a total failure in all areas of my life. Even if I am doing great in some areas there always seem to be others falling behind and there seems to be this unrealistic ideal that my mind has about what kind of friend, wife, daughter, boss, employee, coworker, etc. I am supposed to be. The issue is I have never once attained this “perfect ideal” in any area. It’s still something I am working on making peace with: being okay disappointing people and myself sometimes. Being okay with acknowledging I can’t do it all and then having to actively CHOOSE what I will do. I feel like that’s a lot harder because then you have to own your choice. To say, “Sorry my sanity is a priority right now over tradition.” is a lot harder for me than just the vague “Can’t, I’m busy”.

One of the challenges facing my husband and me this year as a married couple is letting down our family during the holidays. His family is used to having everything centered around his mom’s side of the family and splitting time has brought the pain of change. My family is used to sharing holidays but I am the one that struggles more with not getting as much time with them. I used to sit and watch Christmas movies almost every single day leading up to Christmas with my family when I lived close and had nothing else going on. We are the family that quotes everything and has ritual movies we ALWAYS watch through. I have found it’s a lot harder to do now that the weekends are the only time I get to see David since he works the night shift and Sundays are the one day we get to be with each other and not do anything else. It’s my one day to rest and reset and I am always torn between relaxing and taking the day but feeling guilty for not seeing my family or going to see them and feeling stressed and overwhelmed with everything else I have left to do in my life. I feel like that is all of my life. I am stuck choosing between two things that are tough and lately, there has never been an easy choice. Maybe that is just how life is as an adult? We can only do so much and whatever we choose will be hard in its own way, we just have to choose what’s important.

So as you’re heading into the next few weeks of planning things with family (if you even are with COVID going around) think about your priorities. First, what is a priority for YOU as a person right now to function at your best? What do you need in the next few weeks? Next, what’s important regarding your family? I am sure they will have a different definition from you so that’s why I recommend you set the priorities for yourself first. After family comes friends and then your local community.

Sit down and decide what matters and people in any one of these groups might try to guilt-trip you or might be disappointed but that doesn’t mean you are a failure. You can’t be everything to everyone and setting boundaries and being honest about your limitations doesn’t make you a loser. Having limitations doesn’t mean you are worthless. Your value doesn’t come from how much you can do or even how much everyone likes you. Your worth comes from you being the person you are. Remember that and give yourself the grace to be a human this Holiday.