As women it’s easy to think that being beautiful will fix everything.
For so long I subconsciously felt that if I were only skinny, more feminine, had straight hair and would just learn how to properly apply make-up, then I would finally be good enough. And if I was good enough then I was certain that the voices in my head that made me ashamed and insecure would finally shut up and quit bothering me. I would finally be outgoing.
Confident.
Popular.
I remember during my sophomore year of college. There was this girl I knew OF but didn’t know super well. This girl was my ideal image of beauty. She was small, thin, hilarious, witty, mature, and always dressed perfectly cute with sarcastic green eyes. She wasn’t afraid to talk to guys and flirt and be herself. She seemed so confident and appeared to be careless about whether anyone liked her or not. She was the life of the party. Always posting pictures of her cool adventures online with laughing friends in every frame. When I saw her she was always entertaining a circle of laughing people.
THAT.
That was what I wanted to be. I wanted to be just like her. I was sick of being shy and of always feeling ugly. I hated constantly feeling worthless and wondering if people even liked me. I wanted to not care what anyone thought. I wanted to be free to be myself and to be happy with who I was.
One day I overheard her and a friend talking.
About boys.
And their conversation rocked my little heart.
“…yeah but that’s what I bet he likes about you, you’re different.”Her friend said.
She looked at her with questioning eyes, “You really think he likes…ME?”
This girl who I thought was the picture of womanly perfection, this girl with all the guys watching her and the ladies laughing with her, this girl who was a perfect display of spiritual maturity and leadership and confidence, and style and grace…
her heart was asking the same questions as mine.
She was wondering if she was noticed.
She wondered if she was good enough.
She wondered if she was genuinely liked.
I knew those questions by heart, like a sad little script I recited to myself constantly.
I thought that if I could change my appearance maybe I could change my shy and timid heart. That day I began to question if that was true.
Because what if I lost the weight and I was still quiet?
What if I learned to apply makeup and guys still just saw me as a “friend”?
What if it still wasn’t enough? What would I do then?
That day was when I realized my hearts burning questions ran so much deeper than the body I was living in.
We think we are chasing after the worth of our bodies but the truth is we are hungry to know the worth of our souls. It’s easy to get hung up on the outside, that first layer of ourselves, because it’s the first thing people see and judge but what we really want to know is that we are loved and accepted for ALL of who we are.
We don’t want to be accepted simply for our weight or our trendy clothes.
Plus I learned that the voices inside of your head don’t care about whether you’re having a great hair day or not. They won’t be silenced by a compliment on your clothes. The secret to stopping insecurity is not to appease the voices and become “perfect.” What we must do is step bravely into the open, in all the glorious mess that we are, and listen to the people all around us that fully embrace us just as we are.
We don’t need to become perfect we need to hear that it’s okay if we aren’t.
So remember, no matter what you feel to be true you are enough.
and you are beautiful…just like this.
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