“The opposite of holding your breath isn’t inhaling, it’s letting go”

–Leeana Tankersley, Breathing Room

Leanna’s book Breathing Room has been my lifeline over the last few years. This quote from her book has been my mantra this year especially. These words have been what I whisper to myself over and over again.

Because after holding it all in and letting things build up, we so often want to just suck in even more and replace the empty space as quickly as possible.

But there is that one little step in-between holding your breath and getting fresh air: letting go.

I thought in January that this year, especially this summer, would be a season of growth and hope and pushing myself through new challenges but mostly this has been a year of Autumn for me. It’s been a season all about surrender, unraveling, and letting go. Letting go of control, of needing answers, of what others think, of perfectionism, of time, of old wounds, and a lot of lies that I’ve believed wholeheartedly for so long.

As a Type-A person I want something to show for all of it, a checked off list or some trophy of accomplishment but instead, I’ve just been left leafless and standing here.  Even though I know that all that’s been left behind will help me flourish later, it can feel kind of painful and lonely in the present.

But we can’t expect ourselves to bloom in every season. No plant produces all year round. There is a cycle to the seasons and each one is equally important. I finally feel like the physical season has caught up to my soul season. October has always been my favorite month but especially now as I am letting go of the past and lies that I’ve been holding close for far too long. I am focusing on breathing out before inhaling and letting go to make room for new things.

In the middle of the emptiness and the change I have found that sometimes, the letting go also turns out to be kind of beautiful.

Anyone who knows me knows I can be a bit of a control freak.

I like to feel in control, I like to be prepared, I like to plan, I am the girl who time blocks her entire week down to thirty minute chunks.

My mom will tell you that when I was younger I would ask her what we were doing that day. She used to tell me her general plans but then realized that if we deviated from them in ANY way I had an emotional break down and would get so stressed I would bawl my eyes out.

(I still cringe inside when things change last minute but I don’t usually cry now. Okay, sometimes I still cry.)

I have never liked not knowing. I don’t like unpredictable things. I do not like wandering.

I like being productive. I like knowing I am in a good place. I like to have direction.

But I have been reading lately about the Israelites and how God had them wander in the dessert for 40 years (and then some). It took so long for them to get from Egypt to the promise land and you can see they have their moment’s of doubt as they cry out to Moses saying “DID GOD BRING US OUT HERE JUST TO DIE?”

And I’ve wondered the same thing. When you’ve been told that God has big plans for your life and then you find yourself at 24 struggling to be an adult and feeling like you have NO CLUE what you’re doing with your life…you start to wonder if God accidentally lost the blueprints for those big plans. You question where you’re supposed to go, what choice to make, and the next step in your path. I’ve definitely felt that wandering feeling. Like I am just walking around in circles killing time and going nowhere fast.

But as I have been reading the stories of Israel wandering in the dessert, I see that God didn’t just have them there to waste time. He had them there to prepare them, and more importantly, to show them His love. That’s the thing that’s funny about our life with God.

It’s the dessert moments where we truly experience how much He loves us, not the mountaintop experiences.

It’s in the dessert when we’re starving and God brings down manna, that we taste His compassion and goodness. It’s being in a landscape so dry and empty of anything resembling life, that allows God to provide and reveal Himself as the source of life. It usually takes us coming to the end of ourselves to realize we can’t make it on our own.

And so I try. I try to sit and say that I surrender. I surrender control and just ask for God to give me the answer and direction for whats next. And he laughs as He points out that I am still trying to get answers. By asking Him to just tell me what to do in feigned “surrender” I’m still just trying to know so that I can FEEL in control.

I laugh at myself because I didn’t see it at first but it’s true. I still ache to know and to have answers. But perhaps, right now I am in a dessert period for a reason. And I am sure that everything I am going through is meant to prepare me for what lies ahead. And perhaps part of this wilderness experience is the not knowing, the wandering, and I am beginning to allow myself to be okay with that.

For now, I will just focus on the next step and follow Him one day at a time.

perhaps you feel like you’re wandering in a dessert place too? Let me know in the comments and we can all walk through this place together. 

• It’s okay that you were late
• that you didn’t make your bed today.
• It’s okay that you don’t have the emotional energy to even text that person back.
• It’s okay that you forgot.
• It’s okay that you you’re afraid.
• It’s okay that you count pizza rolls as a meal.
• It’s okay that you’re not a size zero.
• and it’s okay that your boobs aren’t a size DD.
• It’s okay to wish you weren’t a mom some days.
• It’s okay to be single.
• It’s okay to wish you were.
• It’s okay that you yelled.
• It’s fine to only see you’re family every other week…or month…or year.
• It’s alright if you just want to stay home instead of go to the party.
• It’s okay to mess up at work.
• It’s okay to be mad at God.
• It’s okay to cuss.
• It’s okay to cry on your way to work.
• It’s okay to cry at dog food commercials.
• It’s okay to miss a workout.
• It’s okay to be lonely.
• It’s okay to have longing.
• It’s okay to be waiting.
• It’s okay to not know what you’re doing but to jump in and just TRY anyway.
• It’s okay to fail.
• It’s okay to breakup with him.
• It’s okay to not have a plan.
• It’s okay that you can only give a little bit right now. Don’t apologize for only being able to give so much.

Girl, we must remember that there is a big difference between WHAT we do and WHO we are. You will make mistakes but YOU are not a mistake. You definitely don’t have this big crazy world figured out but you don’t need to know everything to know that you matter and are worthy of love. You have fat but you are not fat. You may cry but you are not a crybaby. You may feel afraid but you are not a coward. What you are is strong, beautifully chaotic, and oddly captivating in the most wonderful ways. You may not feel it, but you are strong enough to stand, to stand in this truth that it’s okay. Don’t puff yourself up trying to overachieve and convince everyone that you are not a failure. And don’t shrink back into passivity giving up on ever being enough without even trying.

Just Stand.

Stand tall in the middle of the road and walk slowly and confidently in the fact that you are trying. Even on the days when you feel like you may have taken a few steps back, you’re at least on a path and you are moving. And there are good things up ahead. But don’t miss the the good things here right now. It’s okay to face where you are. Because if you keep turning away from the hard stuff of right now you are going to miss the good stuff of right now.

And right now, it’s okay.