Today I sat out in the sun outside our little condo and soaked in the sunshine and breathed calm for the first time in a long time. My heart has been so wound up and frazzled for so long about all kinds of things. The biggest thing for us has been wishing for a house. David and I have talked about how we long for our own home where there isn’t a neighbor next to or above us and how I’d love a yard and flowers and a place to root down, stay and where we could get whatever kind of dog we wanted. The housing market here in Colorado is straight-up BANANAS. We had a meeting with our realtor on Tuesday and in spite of great credit, good jobs, and paying down a lot of debt since we got married we still have a long way to go before owning our dream home. She was honest with us and let us know that to get a decent home you have to come in aggressively and you have to be ready to lose out a lot and keep trying. She told us honestly the kind of money we would need to have saved and ready to go to have a chance. The market is so competitive right now you have to be able to basically “sweeten the deal” for the seller in attempts for them to pick your offer, and still be ready to lose out on a home you really want.
It was a reality check that we have a way to go and that even in a few years, it’s going to be a tough market. It’s hard for me to imagine getting my heart set on a place, loving it enough to offer ALL this money, and then finding out you don’t get it. It’s also been easy for me to get caught up in comparison. Feeling like we are behind somehow. Like we need a house and need to start a family and instead, we are here. It’s been frustrating to realize our ideal dream of being able to afford a big beautiful house right off the bat that we would stay in forever isn’t going to be an option. I have basically realized we can’t have it all. If we stay in this location that we love we are sacrificing on size and will most likely have to settle on a town home or condo and move our way up. If we want the size and a big beautiful house we will be moving further away from family and friends and will be more on the eastern outskirts of Colorado.
Essentially, this journey towards buying a house isn’t going to be as simple or as easy as we thought.
But when have the good things in life ever been easy?
And I started spiraling a little bit into discouragement and cynicism which seem to be my defense mechanism when the future is unknown. Then I felt a nudge at my heart asking how had I already forgotten that THIS PLACE where we are living right now is such a gift? Not even a year ago we pulled over at a park because I was bawling and drowning in discouragement after we had just left the 25th apartment and still couldn’t find one we agreed on and that was in our budget. I remember feeling like we would NEVER find a place.
Then this condo we live in now came across our path. It literally checked ALL our boxes, even the unimportant ones like living near big trees and walking paths and having a pool. I realized I have been so focused on the next thing that not even a year has passed and I have forgotten how lucky we are to be living here. I have forgotten to give thanks for all the space here and the great price and our awesome landlord and how quiet it is here and the trees. I really do love it here and feel so blessed by our current home for so many reasons. Which I guess is good because we’ve talked that we will be here for at least two more years.
I think this has also been a process for me to learn how life is always “both and”. We can be thankful and relish in the joy of our current home while still looking forward to a future home where we can raise our babies and plant a garden. There is space inside my heart for both feelings, it doesn’t need to be one or the other. I am also learning patience and learning how waiting doesn’t have to equal being miserable. We may be in a season of waiting for our future home but that doesn’t mean we aren’t growing and learning and without joy HERE.
Even harder to swallow is realizing God cares a whole lot more about my heart and who I am becoming than He does about making my circumstances easier. I have also realized I am not very good at trusting. I would rather have a five-year plan than a promise and I find it easier to trust in my own efforts and plans than in the mysterious work of God.
But today, today I sit in the sun and breathe, and let it go. I know trusting will be a process for me. I know holding space for both hope and gratitude inside my heart will take practice but I also know that I don’t want to waste one minute of this beautiful life I have been given worrying about things I can’t control.
If you’re in a similar season, know you’re not alone. I am right here with you, friend. What things have helped you during seasons of waiting? I’d love to hear from you in the comments.
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