Maybe it’s just me but I often suffer from feeling like a total failure in all areas of my life. Even if I am doing great in some areas there always seem to be others falling behind and there seems to be this unrealistic ideal that my mind has about what kind of friend, wife, daughter, boss, employee, coworker, etc. I am supposed to be. The issue is I have never once attained this “perfect ideal” in any area. It’s still something I am working on making peace with: being okay disappointing people and myself sometimes. Being okay with acknowledging I can’t do it all and then having to actively CHOOSE what I will do. I feel like that’s a lot harder because then you have to own your choice. To say, “Sorry my sanity is a priority right now over tradition.” is a lot harder for me than just the vague “Can’t, I’m busy”.
One of the challenges facing my husband and me this year as a married couple is letting down our family during the holidays. His family is used to having everything centered around his mom’s side of the family and splitting time has brought the pain of change. My family is used to sharing holidays but I am the one that struggles more with not getting as much time with them. I used to sit and watch Christmas movies almost every single day leading up to Christmas with my family when I lived close and had nothing else going on. We are the family that quotes everything and has ritual movies we ALWAYS watch through. I have found it’s a lot harder to do now that the weekends are the only time I get to see David since he works the night shift and Sundays are the one day we get to be with each other and not do anything else. It’s my one day to rest and reset and I am always torn between relaxing and taking the day but feeling guilty for not seeing my family or going to see them and feeling stressed and overwhelmed with everything else I have left to do in my life. I feel like that is all of my life. I am stuck choosing between two things that are tough and lately, there has never been an easy choice. Maybe that is just how life is as an adult? We can only do so much and whatever we choose will be hard in its own way, we just have to choose what’s important.
So as you’re heading into the next few weeks of planning things with family (if you even are with COVID going around) think about your priorities. First, what is a priority for YOU as a person right now to function at your best? What do you need in the next few weeks? Next, what’s important regarding your family? I am sure they will have a different definition from you so that’s why I recommend you set the priorities for yourself first. After family comes friends and then your local community.
Sit down and decide what matters and people in any one of these groups might try to guilt-trip you or might be disappointed but that doesn’t mean you are a failure. You can’t be everything to everyone and setting boundaries and being honest about your limitations doesn’t make you a loser. Having limitations doesn’t mean you are worthless. Your value doesn’t come from how much you can do or even how much everyone likes you. Your worth comes from you being the person you are. Remember that and give yourself the grace to be a human this Holiday.
I needed to hear this. I feel like the adjustment has been so tough for Jake and for me. We’ve both spent all of our lives doing one thing, and now we’ve got to figure out how to accommodate one another. I love the way you broke it down. First, it’s you, then your family, then friends, then community. I so so needed to hear this. Thank you for being so vulnerable.