Tonight I’m reminding myself that’s it’s okay.
It’s okay to feel small and like you have nothing to say. Tonight I am just overwhelmed by everything I am not and everything I can’t do and I am staring at the reality of my limitations as a human.
I am butter and I can only cover so much of the bread before you’ll start to see through me. And I’m feeling see-through. And how do you feel okay with the parts you can’t cover? How do you know the line between doing enough and needing to push yourself? When it feels like so much is broken how do you know where to start? And how are you supposed to be okay with only being able to fix your tiniest part?
This isn’t really Christmas related per se but I can’t help think of the baby that came down to a world just as broken as this. The baby who grew up and taught and healed and loved people and who ultimately died for them all. Even Jesus didn’t heal everyone while he was here, why do I feel like I can? Why do I beat myself when I am reminded I can’t?
I am not sure what my problem is but I am sure from experience this ache to fix everything has a lot more to do with doubting my worth then with loving people. That sounds bad to say but I have felt love, the kind that burns inside and can’t sit down or sit still but there is yet a steady peace about it.
Its not like this wild animal, desperate clawing in your chest feeling like I have tonight. No, my burning heart tonight is a complicated mix but that’s okay.
And really I felt I had nothing to say today. I’ve been feeling a lot of things this past week and I just want you to know if you’re feeling hard things too, that it’s okay. We can sit together and feel small in it all. We are going to be okay.
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